The emergency room was restless this week, the ER door constantly opening and closing with sick and dying people rushing in. I felt like I was on a carousel that never stopped turning. I was rushing from trauma room to trauma room. The sound of the coding monitor rang in my ears, why couldn’t I save any of these people? I just wanted to go home and numb the pain, The pain that people are dying of something I don’t know how to cure. I wish I could. I wish I knew how to save them. I wish I didn’t see their faces when I closed my eyes, I wish this would all stop.

As I walked to the on-call I felt their suffering “Hey, are you ok?” asked Dr. Ramirez.

“Um… I’m just… going… to lay down.” I couldn’t think I was paralyzed I could only feel their suffering.

“You don’t look so good,” “someone get me a gurney!” Dr. Ramirez shouted. As they rushed me to the ICU I remembered that this hospital used to be my sanctuary. I remembered the joy I felt in the OR, I just don’t know how I lost that joy and how I lost my sanctuary. I lost faith I didn’t see the light I only saw the darkness and the pain.

When I woke up it felt like I was underwater, I couldn’t breathe. Dr. Ramirez came in to put me on the ventilator and that was when I knew it was my end. I had the same fear my patients had. How could one germ have so much power? Why did we allow it to get so much power? 

I was wrong it wasn’t the end I was lucky I made it through the pain. Dr.Ramirez took me off the vent and I was able to go back to the rush of the ER.